


If only

by FPwoper



Series: Drabbles from long ago [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Falling In Love, Five Stages of Grief, How Do I Tag, Love, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 14:00:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11232474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FPwoper/pseuds/FPwoper
Summary: Dean starts to get his feelings for Cas. A little rant about feelings.





	If only

**Author's Note:**

> dA note: It was going to have a plot when I started writing, but I guess I just lost it halfway.
> 
> I'm going to remove my dA account - that's where this comes form. It's from long ago. Defs not beta'd.

_If only_  
  
Dean finally accepted that Castiel was really dead and that he would not return this time. It was the worst thing that ever happened to him – save for going to Hell and losing his brother to Lucifer. Castiel had proven to be a good and loyal friend, a _true_ friend. Before Castiel his life had been scarcely decorated with friends but Cas stayed – one of the very few. Their friendship had been clumsy and awkward at first with Cas being a socially inept angel but it went better along the way. Cas seemed to grow into his vessel and though some human aspects were still strange to him (sarcasm, jokes and some emotions, for example), he got better and tried to improve himself Dean knew Castiel cared for both Sam and him, but there were times when Dean realized Cas liked him better. Cas blamed it on their so-called 'profound bond' – something with the fact that Cas had raised him from Perdition (and perhaps the handprint, as well?) – but Dean knew Sam thought something entirely else. Even though he had then proclaimed it rubbish, he now knew better.  
  
\-------------------------------------------  
  
Sam had observed the very fragile start of Dean and Castiel's relationship and noticed the power Dean held over Castiel. Soon he concluded both of them were in denial. _Of course_ they loved each other, though Castiel said they only had a profound bond and Dean, in all his stubbornness, kept proclaiming he only liked girls, and _of course_ they wouldn't be able to tell each other. Sam knew Dean didn't like 'chick-flick moments', as he called those moments.  
  
Finally, after a month of Dean pitying himself for the loss of Castiel, he started to get 'better', something Sam did not like at all. When Dean went this road, it meant that he was all moody and if the angel were to return, he'd be having a cold shower of angry Dean. No, truly not preferable over the version of Dean being unhappy and self-pitying, 'cause, dud, that would suck for Castiel.  
  
\--------------------------------------------  
  
Though he still was hoping, in a corner of his heart, he knew there really wasn't much faith in God (if it ever had been there at all) and Castiel. Dean liked to think of Castiel as his own guardian angel but he had to admit there was something more. Cas hadn't been "just" a guardian angel, but he'd been a friend and a… brother, almost, as well. If it hadn't been for the feeling in his chest he wouldn't have doubted the description as brother. Unfortunately – for Dean – there was a feeling in his chest (or rather: stomach) every time he was close to Castiel. A slight flutter, like his stomach tried to do loopings while the rest of his body just stood ground.  
  
Dean was confused about the hole when Castiel had been taken over by the Leviathan. They killed him but Dean couldn't believe it until he found Castiel's trench coat. Cas never left without it. The only conclusion that could be drawn from this was that he had left to somewhere he didn't need a trench coat – his home. With the trench coat in his arms he'd sat by the lake in which Castiel drowned. He ignored both Bobby and Sam's calls and couldn't think of what had happened, as if that would undo it. It just couldn't be true. Castiel could not be dead. Impossible. Dean had to tell him so much still… It hadn't been the best time to leave him now.  
  
\-----------------------------------------  
  
Dean still had the trench coat, though it was hidden in the trunk of his Impala, somewhere Sam could not find it, ever. Sam should not know that Dean cried every evening with the trench coat in his lap when he was along in his car. If only Cas knew how much Dean missed him.  
  
If only he could come back…


End file.
